What do I see?

When I see me.

A couple of weeks ago our CGA class was asked to make self-portraits about how we see ourselves. This could look like however we wanted it to. Whether we wanted to do something artistic, write a poem, create a video, etc! I sat with the Lord and he asked me to express my creativity by creating a box AND writing out things that have been tucked into my heart that needed to be said. In just 2 years I’ve grown in SO many ways and this spoken word just proves how much the Lord is changing my heart and allowing me to see myself through his lens. THANK YOU JESUS FOR GROWTH!!!! Thank you for never failing to show me your kindness even when I mess up and fail to see your goodness. Thank you, Lord!!!

Without further ado, here is the deepest treasure I’ve found about myself.

 

When I see me, I envision a box

On the surface, it looks and feels vibrant 

Every color and material standing out

This opens a door of curiosity to those who have or prefer a natural surface

There are unique characteristics about myself that radiate authenticity 

Someone who is confident 

Someone who isn’t afraid to be themselves

That someone being me, Hailey Smith

My personality is a beautiful gift that didn’t just come to me 

It’s taken years of silence and fear

You may see a girl who is happy

BUT I see a girl who has fought many battles

Rejoicing in this reward from the father

She’s jumping and screaming because she can finally say enough is enough

Now I want you to envision yourself in middle school

You’re walking down the halls with your head down

You sit at the lunch table by yourself

You aren’t anyone’s first or second pick for a school project

so you end up working alone.

You feel unwanted.

You go home and instead of it being a safe space you’re hiding under your covers

Now sit on that and ponder

For some of you, that was relatable, or some of you have never experienced that

I’ve always operated on a survivor strategy 

BUT NOW I get to walk in freedom and be damn proud of what I’ve been through

Celebrating that my joy has come out of a result of my trials

But there is something deeper than the box

Thoughts flood my head

Both negative and positive

My mind is constantly running in thought

Causing this light bulb to turn on

Once it’s on, it starts sending signals to my brain that it’s time to start speaking

I’ve been told by others that I shouldn’t have trouble speaking because I can come off as loud and joyful

But you see, that’s where I’m misunderstood

My thoughts become blocked by walls of fear and doubt

Fear of what people are thinking of me, what they’re saying about me

Doubting if my thoughts or feelings are worth dumping on others

I become a coward 

How is it that I view myself in two completely different ways?

You most likely answered that by saying “well Hailey of course you see yourself in multiple ways”

But growing up I was taught to see myself as one way, and that’s unworthy.

Each perspective is different

As Human Beings everything about us is different

BUT there is beauty in the different

And something even more stunning about perspective

When I look in the mirror, I see both a joyful and confident woman as well as someone who is messy and insecure

It isn’t one or the other,  it’s both

At the end of the day, I’m Hailey Smith

You can either have all of me or none of me

I’m a woman who fights for joy and freedom

BUT I will also fight for the real thing.