When I see me.
A couple of weeks ago our CGA class was asked to make self-portraits about how we see ourselves. This could look like however we wanted it to. Whether we wanted to do something artistic, write a poem, create a video, etc! I sat with the Lord and he asked me to express my creativity by creating a box AND writing out things that have been tucked into my heart that needed to be said. In just 2 years I’ve grown in SO many ways and this spoken word just proves how much the Lord is changing my heart and allowing me to see myself through his lens. THANK YOU JESUS FOR GROWTH!!!! Thank you for never failing to show me your kindness even when I mess up and fail to see your goodness. Thank you, Lord!!!
Without further ado, here is the deepest treasure I’ve found about myself.
When I see me, I envision a box
On the surface, it looks and feels vibrant
Every color and material standing out
This opens a door of curiosity to those who have or prefer a natural surface
There are unique characteristics about myself that radiate authenticity
Someone who is confident
Someone who isn’t afraid to be themselves
That someone being me, Hailey Smith
My personality is a beautiful gift that didn’t just come to me
It’s taken years of silence and fear
You may see a girl who is happy
BUT I see a girl who has fought many battles
Rejoicing in this reward from the father
She’s jumping and screaming because she can finally say enough is enough
Now I want you to envision yourself in middle school
You’re walking down the halls with your head down
You sit at the lunch table by yourself
You aren’t anyone’s first or second pick for a school project
so you end up working alone.
You feel unwanted.
You go home and instead of it being a safe space you’re hiding under your covers
Now sit on that and ponder
For some of you, that was relatable, or some of you have never experienced that
I’ve always operated on a survivor strategy
BUT NOW I get to walk in freedom and be damn proud of what I’ve been through
Celebrating that my joy has come out of a result of my trials
But there is something deeper than the box
Thoughts flood my head
Both negative and positive
My mind is constantly running in thought
Causing this light bulb to turn on
Once it’s on, it starts sending signals to my brain that it’s time to start speaking
I’ve been told by others that I shouldn’t have trouble speaking because I can come off as loud and joyful
But you see, that’s where I’m misunderstood
My thoughts become blocked by walls of fear and doubt
Fear of what people are thinking of me, what they’re saying about me
Doubting if my thoughts or feelings are worth dumping on others
I become a coward
How is it that I view myself in two completely different ways?
You most likely answered that by saying “well Hailey of course you see yourself in multiple ways”
But growing up I was taught to see myself as one way, and that’s unworthy.
Each perspective is different
As Human Beings everything about us is different
BUT there is beauty in the different
And something even more stunning about perspective
When I look in the mirror, I see both a joyful and confident woman as well as someone who is messy and insecure
It isn’t one or the other, it’s both
At the end of the day, I’m Hailey Smith
You can either have all of me or none of me
I’m a woman who fights for joy and freedom
BUT I will also fight for the real thing.
